Accents

Australians, whether they like it or not, have a certain image in the world. You see someone walking down the street in an Akubra hat, boots and stubbies (that's short shorts to the rest of you) and everyone knows that that is an Australian.

Actually, I've never seen anyone dressed quite like that outside a Paul Hogan movie. But the image persists, nonetheless. And when someone hears an Australian accent, that image is conjured up, and everyone knows that within five minutes there will be bottletops ripped off with teeth and large amounts of very cold beer swigged down.

And people here like that. They genuinely like Australians for all their uncultured, beer-swilling ways. God knows why. Anyway, I expected to be the beneficiary of some of that.

But I have discovered a terrible thing: I don't have a recognisable Australian accent. I meet people here and tell them that I've just arrived in the country from Australia. They invariably say, "Oh, yes, how long have you been out there then? Welcome home." I have to explain that, no, actually, I am Australian, and this is the first time I've been in this country.

In some ways it is nice to blend in. But it is really very embarrassing to be blending in perfectly well until a cashier says, "£2.90, please," and you have to examine all the change in your pocket to figure out which is the 20p coin again. People think you must be a bit daft. I tried just paying for everything in notes, but the fistful of change quickly put my pocket in danger.

I wonder what people will think if I start trying to write cheques for 80p?